The Science of Heartbreak: How to Recover from a Broken Heart
As a therapist, I currently have two clients who are struggling with the awful pain of heartbreak and working on recovering from a broken heart. One is a 17-year-old girl and the other is a 52-year-old man. Despite the difference in their age and gender, they’re each experiencing the extreme emotional and physical symptoms that are common with heartbreak.
Neither has the energy to get out of bed. Both desperately want to text or call their ex. They can’t stop obsessing about the past. Neither wants to let go of the hope that their ex will want to get back together with them in the future.
But mostly, they’re both desperately and painfully depressed almost all the time.
Does that sound familiar? If you’re experiencing something similar, keep reading.
Getting dumped conjures up images of tear-streaked faces, endless pints of ice cream (or glasses of wine), and sad love songs on repeat. But behind the clichés, there’s a fascinating and complex process happening inside our brains. Recent research into the neuroscience of heartbreak is shedding light on why a broken heart can feel so devastating and how our brains cope with the loss of love.
But more importantly, this research can help us understand how to speed up the recovery process.
The Neurological Brain Changes During Heartbreak
Heartbreak isn’t just an emotional experience; it’s a biological one. When we’re in love, our brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals create feelings of happiness and attachment. Our brains even have a specific region linked to negativity bias that lets us ignore any red flags or unpleasant traits in our partner. We tend to idealize our former partner.
It seems that love, therefore, is literally blind.
But when a relationship ends, especially when it wasn’t our decision to end it, the sudden drop in these chemicals can lead to painful withdrawal-like symptoms. Just like someone addicted to a substance, our brain craves the “high” of love, leading to intense emotional withdrawal distress. Heartbreak triggers a cascade of chemicals that can affect us in a similar way to physical pain. Neuroimaging studies have shown that the same areas of the brain activated by physical pain also light up when we experience romantic heartbreak. This explains why the end of a relationship can feel physically painful.
After a breakup, it’s common to idealize the ex-partner and the relationship. In order to start to get over the breakup, it’s important to challenge these idealizations and recognize that the relationship, like all relationships, had its flaws. Nothing and nobody is perfect. In time, this helps create a more balanced perspective and reduces the intensity of longing and sadness.
Heartbreak can also activate parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, and addiction. This might explain why some people find it hard to let go of their ex-partner and are constantly obsessively thinking about them. It’s a way for the brain to make sense of the loss and, ultimately, help us move on.
In extreme cases, brain scientists estimate that it can take up to two years to recover from the pain of heartbreak. Nobody wants to wait two years before they feel better, so let’s look at some ways to try to speed up the process.
Speed Up Recovery from Heartbreak
Florence Williams, author of “Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey” suggests three researched-back areas to focus on to potentially speed up your recovery.
Finding Calm. The pain of a heartbreak can feel like we’re living in a constant state of anxiety and depression. Getting your body’s nervous system to get out of the fight-or-flight state that comes with trauma is a first step. That’s where focusing on being calm can help. Finding a sense of “calmness”’ can come from many places and looks like different things to different people. Maybe for you it’s listening to music, taking a long bath, meditating, going for a nice walk, or reading a good book. Mindfulness and meditation can also be effective, because they reduce activity in the part of the brain associated with obsessive thoughts that can help to break the cycle of rumination.
Looking for Connection. You have to start getting back out in the world. That doesn’t mean you have to start dating again or jump into a new relationship. But you need to see friends and family. Start to make plans again. Social support is crucial in the healing process of heartbreak. Friends, family, or support groups can provide a listening ear, emotional support, and a sense of belonging. Sharing your feelings with others who understand can be incredibly therapeutic and can help reduce the feeling of isolation that often comes with the loss of your relationship.
Cultivate a sense of purpose. Do something for someone else. Research shows that one of the best ways to find a sense of purpose is to do something for others or embark on a project for yourself. For some people, that means working for a non-profit. For others, it might mean adopting a pet. Thinking about going back to school? Is there a long-forgotten but much-loved hobby that you haven’t had time for lately? Engaging in activities that release feel-good chemicals in the brain, like exercising, socializing, or pursuing hobbies, can help in the recovery from heartbreak.
When will this pain end?
A crucial step in healing from heartbreak is to let go of the “why?” or the need to understand the reasons the relationship ended. Obsessively seeking answers can keep you stuck in a loop of pain and confusion. Accepting that some questions may remain unanswered can be liberating and is an important part of the healing process.
And be kind to yourself. Recognizing that heartbreak is a form of grief can help in navigating the healing journey. Grief is not linear and involves various stages including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Be patient with yourself as you experience these different emotions.
Understanding the science of heartbreak doesn’t take away the pain, but maybe it can offer you some insight into why we feel the way we do. By recognizing that heartbreak is a complex interplay of emotional and biological responses, you can be kinder to yourself as you heal while trying to take practical steps toward recovery.
And remember, as you navigate the ups and downs of love and loss, you can take comfort in knowing that your brain is equipped not just to endure heartbreak but to emerge from it stronger and more resilient. Yes, heartbreak sucks. But, in time, you will feel better.
Struggling with heartbreak?
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310-730-1956/ lisa@dalesandro.com
LISA DALESANDRO, M.A, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
